May 11, 2016
It seems here lately I have been in a constant bad mood and angry all the time and everything seems to set me off. I grew up angry and always being angry for me its just me.
I don’t like talking about myself when I was younger mainly because it brings back a lot of awful memories. Memories of getting teased, laughed at, and of being bullied. Then not being able to do anything about it. The day I left for college was the first step of walking away from that hellhole. After my parents split I had no reason to ever go back and I will never step foot back there. I wish I knew what I know now back then, but such is life.
I am starting to think that maybe my anger is a reaction to being scared. Something happens and it scares me in some way. I often fear losing control, looking foolish, being in trouble, or maybe even getting hurt. Maybe my anger is in response to being afraid of something. It’s that whole fight or flight concept happening. Anger is the fighting back at what scares me.
There’s a great quote which says, “Anger is a chosen response to the feeling of powerlessness. Anger is how we attempt to reassert control over situations that baffle us.” I am feeling helpless over something and I use anger to try and regain some sort of control in my life. What I mean by “I use anger” I am meaning self loathing, being angry at or even prejudiced against myself. I constantly call myself an asshole to my friends. That’s normally my response to every thing “cause I am an asshole.” I just find myself always reverting back to my negative thinking ways.
I will bring up bad memories from the past of things that I did wrong or when I had made bad judgments. It’s really hard for me to try and move on from past mistakes. I am always saying in my head, “I should of did this” and “why didn’t I do that instead.” I beat myself up over things I can’t change. Some days I am like Alice in Alice in Wonderland where she finally thinks she is on her way home to security, when the broom-dog wipes away her trail in Tulgey wood.
I have started exercising 3 days a week and it makes me feel less angry and less out of control. It makes me feel good even though my legs, if they could talk, would beg to differ. Hell even just sitting here writing this blog post; getting stuff off my chest has made me fell better. That probably means I should post more often.
First step is always admitting there is a problem, the next step? Well I will get back to you when I figure that out.