May 11, 2016

Anger and My many Bad Moods.

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It seems here lately I have been in a constant bad mood and angry all the time and everything seems to set me off. I grew up angry and always being angry for me its just me.

I don’t like talking about myself when I was younger mainly because it brings back a lot of awful memories. Memories of getting teased, laughed at, and of being bullied. Then not being able to do anything about it. The day I left for college was the first step of walking away from that hellhole. After my parents split I had no reason to ever go back and I will never step foot back there. I wish I knew what I know now back then, but such is life.

I am starting to think that maybe my anger is a reaction to being scared. Something happens and it scares me in some way. I often fear losing control, looking foolish, being in trouble, or maybe even getting hurt. Maybe my anger is in response to being afraid of something. It’s that whole fight or flight concept happening. Anger is the fighting back at what scares me.

There’s a great quote which says, “Anger is a chosen response to the feeling of powerlessness. Anger is how we attempt to reassert control over situations that baffle us.” I am feeling helpless over something and I use anger to try and regain some sort of control in my life. What I mean by “I use anger” I am meaning self loathing, being angry at or even prejudiced against myself. I constantly call myself an asshole to my friends. That’s normally my response to every thing “cause I am an asshole.” I just find myself always reverting back to my negative thinking ways.

I will bring up bad memories from the past of things that I did wrong or when I had made bad judgments. It’s really hard for me to try and move on from past mistakes. I am always saying in my head, “I should of did this” and “why didn’t I do that instead.” I beat myself up over things I can’t change. Some days I am like Alice in Alice in Wonderland where she finally thinks she is on her way home to security, when the broom-dog wipes away her trail in Tulgey wood.

I have started exercising 3 days a week and it makes me feel less angry and less out of control. It makes me feel good even though my legs, if they could talk, would beg to differ. Hell even just sitting here writing this blog post; getting stuff off my chest has made me fell better. That probably means I should post more often.

First step is always admitting there is a problem, the next step? Well I will get back to you when I figure that out.

April 29, 2016

I am an Adult

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Stuff about life; from someone who claims to be an adult

There will be many challenges, obstacles and curve balls thrown your way. Just try to take life as it comes. Don’t fight against the current because you’ll just wear yourself out. If there’s a door that is standing wide open for you and another that you’re trying to get through by knocking it down, sometimes it’s best to take the door that’s already open for you. In other words don’t try to be someone/something you’re not.

Learn how to budget and manage your money, how to open a checking/savings account, and how to use credit wisely and live within your means. Your future self will thank you for it. Buy quality items you can keep around for a long time to come, not cheap crap that breaks that you’ll have to buy again in a year. Invest in yourself, your education, your personal improvement, your health and your relationships to others.

You cannot put Dawn dish soap in the dishwasher.

Life is about change; don’t fight it and just go with it. Learn from your mistakes and grow. Let go of things you can’t change. Sometimes change will be so painful you will want to rip your heart out, but you’ll be okay if you just hang on and know that no matter what happens, you will be alright.

Sometimes, you will think to yourself, “F*^$! I have so, so much to do, and neither the will nor the energy to do any of it.” At this moment, there are two options:

• Go get back in bed, thus letting others and yourself down, or;
• Harden the f%^& up.

As far as I’m concerned, “harden the f%^& up” is one of the central tenets of adulthood. Because some people get things done in a functional, systematic way even when they don’t feel like it, and some people don’t. And I know what kind of person I would like to be.

Unless you’re one of the lucky few who already knows what their passion is and what you really enjoy, you will be spending a lot of time trying new things and figuring out what you’re good at and what you like. Don’t be afraid to try new things and fail at them; failing builds character.

Speaking of plans, keep them loose and flexible. It’s good to have an idea of things you want to accomplish and where you want to be a couple years down the road, but honestly no one knows what’s going to happen tomorrow, let alone 5 years from now. It’s fine to make some plans but be flexible and willing to change them.

It’s OK to take a minute and feel completely overwhelmed and maybe even go cry in the office bathroom a little bit. You don’t have to feel guilty for having these very reasonable emotions. But then you need to splash cold water on your face, and go get shit done.

Nothing lasts forever. Enjoy every moment that you have. Enjoy life and practice being present in the moment because it goes by extremely fast. There will be both good and bad times. The bad thing about up is there’s always a down. It’s important to really enjoy and savor the good moments in life because you’ll need those memories to reflect back on when the bad times come.

When you’re a teenager, you’re just at the beginning of your life’s lessons. Life is the toughest teacher you will ever have. “Life is a cruel teacher. She gives the test first, then the lesson.” Life will throw everything that it can at you; it will try to break you and choke you until you can’t breathe, but you can’t let it.

Let Go of Expectations

Love More and Keep Your Heart Open. Love is all that really matters in the end. Give of yourself more than anything. Try to be patient, empathetic, understanding, caring and gentle with other people. Get to know people better by asking questions and listening attentively. People usually like to talk about themselves and questions are a great way to get conversations going. Love people for who they are, just as they are, and realize that everyone is a work in progress! Life is a continual work in progress. We’re all just trying to find our way, and we’re all confused and looking for contentment. Life is a journey, and happiness is not a destination to arrive at, but a way of living.

No seriously, NEVER put Dawn in your dishwasher.

If you do accidentally lapse and put Dawn in your dishwasher, run it empty and put hair conditioner where the detergent goes. That will clean it out (tip given to me by College Custodian when I lived off campus during my college years and roommate did the thing)

October 9, 2015

Life With or Without Smartphones

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The devices have only been around for a decade, but already they have so fundamentally infiltrated our day-to-day that for many of us, life can be broken down into two distinct eras: before and after the advent of the smartphone. Most smartphone users I know have said at one time or another “I can’t imagine my life without a smartphone.” On its surface, that’s a dramatic (and vague) statement. The thing is we could live without our smartphones. I like many others choose not to. I could use all the web apps that go side by said with my phone apps and use my laptop that I carry around with me everywhere. My phone however is and will always be more convenient than my laptop or carrying around a calendar/planner and pen. We are addicted to our smartphones. Our phones, more so than our tablet devices and notebook computers, are the culprits behind our insatiable need to keep abreast of everything that’s happening around the world.

Things have gotten so bad that we now check or use our phones at dinner, in the bathroom, while driving, at the movies and in bed. For the majority of smartphone users, our phone is the last thing we check at night and the first thing we reach for in the morning. Many of us have chargers that double as a carrying case while others carry their chargers with them in the event their phones die from overuse. Yep, we are addicted to our smartphones!

A Gallup poll (JULY 9, 2015, of only 15,747 U.S. adults) showed that of that group  81 percent of smartphone users keep their phones nearby for the entire day, and 72 percent report checking the device hourly. Which honestly, seems like monumental restraint (writing this, I checked my phone for a text alert, to use the calculator, and just…. because).

My device has become my constant companion; I rely on it to wake me up in the morning, get me where I need to go, keep track and notify me of my appointments. It plays an important role in keeping me connected wherever I am in the world. I text family and friends with important messages (e.g., “I’m running five minutes late” “Where are we meeting?”), I conduct business on my phone, use it as a GPS, listen to music and I take pictures to capture everyday moments. like this video of the crazy Ginger kitty.

However, at 9pm every night my phone goes silent, it stays on, but it does not make a sound I only started doing that about 2 years ago. I could physically feel the relief from being untethered to my smartphone. It almost felt like freedom. I wasn’t beholden to the people texting me, calling me or updating their social media platforms. I could hear my surroundings instead of the monotonous sound of my notifications.

It wasn’t easy at first. Whenever I would receive a work email even off the clock I would feel that I would need to take care of it. My at work switch never shut off. I would be distracted and was never happy with anything. For the first week I caught myself still checking my phone constantly for something I may have missed. But then I accepted my new reality, after about 4-5 days. My world didn’t fall apart because I wasn’t productive every second of the day, and wasn’t on top of every message instantly. I actually survived not immediately knowing exactly where Crimea was or who won the Oscars last year. Shocking, I know.

When our lives are always connected, being disconnected for just a few hours can be a relief. This was my experience, however you will not be seeing me out and about without my smartphone.